The Weatherdeck

From the WD meteorology desk...

Now that it's snowed in New York, apparently we can start talking about snow a real phenomenon that can occur elsewhere on Earth. I know that it's never snowed in New York, which is why I got to chew on around the clock coverage of the snow falling in New York. I guess what really threw the city of New York for a loop is that the snow (which, until this weekend, had been a subject of rumor and legend) is that the snow fell to the ground and stayed. This led to a surge of broken shovels (which were dutifully covered by the people on the TV) and repeated confessions (also on TV) that "we don't even have shovels."

As for the local climate, it's December. This means that it's been statistically cold enough to snow at any given time for the last twelve months. In hopes of generating that sense of urgency that had the entire staff of the WD glued to the TV, I've fashioned the following signs to stick in the window:

- SHOVELS ARE A FASCIST PLOT!!
- OUR RELIGION PROCLUDES US FROM WEARING SHOES!!
- WINTER IS A RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY!!
- SNOW = RACIST!!

These sentiments make as much sense as not owning a shovel and living anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon line.

As for the weather I have to pschologically prepare myself for on a day-to-day: colder and darker.


From the WD business desk...

(DNTCH) - 77.50 - (-1.5) DenTech
(MTCMV) - 16.75 - (UNCH) Mountain Comm. Inovations
(UTPUB) - 20.25 - (+4.4) UT Publishing
(NWECO) - 7.00 - (+0.5) North & West Construction
(CACIM) - 6.30 - (-0.25) Case Consolidated Imports
(NSPHO) - 14.90 - (+0.4) New Space Horizons, Inc.
(FPTSH) - 6.10 - (+2.2) Four Point Shipping
(AWRLC) - 14.00 - (IPO) All World Conultants
(GRGRA) - 33.00 - (-3.3) Green & Grey Agriculture
(FOCLI) - 92.00 - (-0.25) Founder & Clay International
(MGOCV) - 44.00 - (+3.0/2:1) Magnolia/Occidental Venture

WDIA - 331.80 - (+5.2) - (+1.56%)

Big movers last week have to include Four Point and UT Publishing. Four Point announced that they were expanding their customer service contact foundation by a factor of five. This boost market confidence in a stock that had already begun to show signs of growth that was in line with quarterly estimates... UT Publishing surged by nearly 22% on the announcement of a new streamline distribution methods and contracts... The All World Consultants IPO met with skeptical enthusiasm, and is expected to meet expectations for the upcoming quarter... Bellwether stock Founder & Clay dipped slightly when it announced a delay in a voluntary restament of past Q1-Q3 liquidity and related holdings... DenTech faces a regulatory review and shed nearly 2% of its value. A conspicuous absence of DenTech CEO about the investigation has shaken confidence in the stock and has effected the volume... Mag/Ox is poised for a 2:1 split in an effort to raise dividends and get more capital flowing for an expansion recently alluded to by the board of directors.


From the WD arts & culture desk...

A very anachronistic Christmas, presented by the WD playhouse:

Capt. Kirk: Spock, we must get this Myrrh to that strange star.

Spock: Yes, captain. Right after we pick up Abe Lincoln and Julius Ceasar. They've got the gold and frankenscence.

Capt. Kirk: Great. Then we can take Winston Churchill's dinosaur wagons.

END.

When I'm not busy listening to my fancy-shmancy internet web-casts (I am so cutting edge), I'm listening to contraversial, howling-mad talk-radio internet web-casts. It's from radio's howling wilderness that I've divined a handful of crispy nuggets of dangerously useful information... to say nothing of the dog. There are hundreds of thousands of dozens of people that call in to these shows, pop open their word-holes, and let fly a measure of logorrheaic tarteuferry. Amongst the frothing masses, there are a but a pittance of archetypes that actual rise to the surface and breathe that sugar-sweet air. They are:

"The shakey oldster" - The shakey oldster harkens to a real old-timey name. As their title notes, they're shakey. Their hands, their voice... shakey. Inevitably, they get that call segment leading into the commercial or news, but they're in no mood to be rushed. This means that when they start talking about how they voted for both Roosevelts and that they didn't quite cotton to that young punk Kennedy - WHOOSH - off the air they go. I always feel terrible when that happens.

"Hey, good buddy!" - This caller has dutifully persuaded him or herself into thinking that the host and him/her go way back and are really good friends. After talking about kids, fishing, and this crazy weather they ask a real dumb question. This situation makes me weep for the future and look warily at our past.

"'Hipster Doofus'" - The "Hipster Doofus" calls up the show with a bizarrely esoteric wad of info-flotsam. The life they lead has come to a fine-tuned point where the only thing that they can do is call up a... slowly now... t-a-l-k r-a-d-i-o program and outsmart the host and really stick it to the listeners. It's like kicking down the doors of a special needs class and discussing Ayn Rand and Umbert Eco. You get to feel good about yourself at the expense of others who don't have it within them to care. And I really don't think they actually read Rand or Eco, either.

"The Liar (or, the idiot in moron's clothing)" - Not too different from the "Hipster Doofus," the Liar tells the poor sea-cucumber who's screening calls that he/she wants to talk about oranges because that's what the host is talking about. The host takes the call and the liar starts talking about bananas. Terribly clever.

"No, I don't really have question" - This chattering marmoset has the decency to stay on topic. Unfortunately, they don't have a question. They can be either complicit or combative, and they're regurgitating a totally bitching fact that totally supports or refutes the host. They could save time by simply saying "You are as right as the air is invisible" or "I hate you and I hope you die and your family is sad and that something goes wrong with the funeral arrangements so it compounds your family's grief... and I think you're wrong... and I am way serious about you dying and me hoping for that."

"I'm angry and you made me this way" - This person is angry and they think some guy on the radio did it to them.

"The regular" - Heard most often on local talk programs. Since it's so hard to take local talk radio seriously, rightward or leftward, no one in their right mind calls. So, if it makes sense to call in a lot, you're as doomed as you are crazy. Rock on!

"I'm not crazy!" - This person is crazy. They are the grain of truth in the tin-foil hat phenomenon. Alien abduction... poison in the water... bigfoot... Kennedy is in a coma in their basement... Dick Cheney is stealing their mail (literally)... Micheal Moore once showered in their basement... whatever.

"The Pro" - These folks are good. I suspect they have real job and have that days news paper and maybe a book, too. Quick, clean, and "... I'll hang up to listen to your response."

"I am indignent and I can't properly explain myself" - The rock upon which talk-radio was built. These half-witted macaques love/hate the host/topic so much that when they get to the plate, the promptly cram the bat down their throat, choke, and die... metaphorically. It's like watching the Hindenburg go up in flames. I love watching the Hindenburg go up in flames. Oh the humanity.

"If I turn the radio down how will I hear myself" - Radio's equivalent to waving at the news camera from over the shoulder of the guy whose kid just got ran over. Tactless, but funny in a "it's not that funny" kind of way.

"I am of one mind. Not narrow... just focused" - This barrel of gibbons calls up the local high school football show (on Sunday mornings from 5:30 to 6) and starts yammering about abortion. This person exists in our world, they just don't share our reality.

I have been reading the hell out of the news today. I've read the news so hard that I've read stories that normally wouldn't catch my eye. "To hell with that story!" I'd normally say. Not today, however. In my newsly pursuits, I've been reading all about Tom Cruise's new film Dances with Samurais. I've not seen it yet, but I can tell you from all the spiffy little commercials this is the greatest movie since Magnolia. As we all know (because that's what I've been told), Magnolia is the most important movie. Ever. So, as you can tell, The Last Dance With Wolves is going to movie me over the head with it's unstoppable and artful unquestionability.

"Hey Jackass? What's with all of your unencumbered enthusiasm for All Samurai... No Wolves?" you're rightfully wondering.

Well, it's simple. I love it when someone makes a movie starting with a cool title and a whispy hope of winning and "Oscar" ("Oscar" is a tradmark of the AMPAS)... just like Magnolia, the most important movie ever. If you can't get Tom Cruise and John C. Riely and Phillip Seymore Hoffman into a big movie together, I'm sure the doughiest guys in Movieland will be able to get a ticket... and this will virtually assure Samurai Vs. the Wolfman will be an "Oscar" ("Oscar" is a tradmark of the AMPAS) shoe-in... despite it's predictable mediocrity.

So, in conclusion, thank you Hollywood, for making the greatest movies ever.

I am uncertain if I am:
a) coming undone (this has too many literary overtones... a glib, wordy patina, if you like)
b) coming unhinged (not too unlike a cop on the edge and he's been pushed too far)
c) coming unglued (too many dumb-ass kids think this is funny - I am uncertain why)
d) coming off the rails (sort of like Ozzy)

Like all things similar, it's really a matter of nuance. Nuance. I love that word. And interstitial, too. One of these days, I'm going to use interstitial in conversation - even if I have to cram it in there with my foot.

Regardless, I think I'm coming unwound... and I really need a cup of juice, some crackers, and a nap.

I am learning the hard way that trying beat insomnia at it's own game ("Yeah. Well I don't wanna go to sleep!") doesn't work. It's like drinking to excess and then convincing yourself that you're tired... not passed out.

Also, blogs are stupid.

I'm debating whethere or not I should begin in earnest with a blog. Sometimes I get a full head of smacked-in-the-mouth by reading true and affective dispatches from writers and authors (a nuanced difference) that I admire - either for skill or for content. I take no greater joy than the joy of reading a concordant perspective that has been written well.

Fortunately, that's a pretty long list.

I have no compunction of theft on a creative level. Most of my life I've been accused of sounding like someone else. This suits me just fine. I admit that I am the sum total of the information and I've consumed. There is little left of who I was. I have become more machine than man.

And, so help me bleeding-Jesus-on-the-cross, if the final Star Wars film manages a happy ending, I will begin praying extra loud that California will slide into the ocean. Y'know... like the mystics and statistics say it will.

It is a simple matter of not wanting to interfere. Like the joy of watching the Hindenburg footage. Sometimes the best we can do is sit back, watch, wait, and see what settles upwind.

The internet is still stoopid.

I enjoy things the most when they mean the least and make the least sense.